This wasn’t the post I had meant to write today. But sometimes when I open WordPress to share something that I hope is entertaining or helpful my brain gets confused and thinks this blog is the same as a diary and instead all the feels come out. So like, sorry in advance, okay?
Last week Dan returned from two weeks in Bulgaria that had sent each of us into our own little crises. Not over being apart – we’re not that sweet and romantic – but instead those fourteen days left us each with some big questions about what we want in life.
Okay, this might be a little sweet in a way, but when Dan was gone, working at the supermarket here went from being this fun, sort of silly thing we are doing while we find our footing in Norway and master Norwegian, to really quite depressing. While usually I enjoy having a low stress job that lets me chat with people in Norwegian all day, I took a turn for the negative and each encounter with a rude customer (which only happens once or twice in a day full of otherwise lovely customers) had me questioning what on earth I was doing here.
And then Dan returned and was all, how did we forget how awesome the Balkans are? And what about our dream of opening a hostel? Should we still do that? Maybe in Romania? Is Constanta nice?
Oh dear.
I recently wrote an article for a travel site that tried to answer the question “why is travel so addictive?” My answer: you realize that despite all our differences people around the world and the lives they live are actually remarkably similar. And when we can relate to people everywhere we want to immerse ourselves in as many foreign cultures as possible, which then challenges our own everyday lives back home because we see so many different ways to live, which in turn makes us want to travel more.
Or is it just me?
It seems like it mostly must be a good thing, especially if we’re feeling constrained by social standards at home, because it opens up a world’s worth of new ways of life. So many options!
Ugh, so many options.
So what happens when I find myself seriously in love with two very different places and lifestyles, and I can’t have both?
Like, now I’m totally lusting after the Balkans, but I’m 100% certain that if I moved there I would once again long for Norway. If this were a romantic comedy I’d suddenly realize that, of course, the answer was there all along! And I’d run off for my happily ever after with my chosen one. Actually, no, when the girl can’t decide doesn’t she usually realize that it means neither one is right and she should choose no one?
But life is not that simple, because it takes time to settle into a place and sometimes it’s really hard to see past the initial stage into what life there will actually be like. So if someone could just arrange to give me little peeks into possible futures in different locations that would be like, super helpful, thanks.
I sort of wonder, though, if I will just always be dreaming of that next place. Like how growing up I dreamt of moving to, well, anywhere else, and then it was Japan, and then it was Southeast Asia, and then Europe. What’s that, do I hear Africa calling?
Lol. Except also not lol, guys, this is serious. So serious that even though it was raining yesterday I pulled on my boots and raincoat and headed up a mountain – you know, where I do my deep thinking. And as I sat on a mossy cliff getting thoroughly soaked (because I had to take off my coat to sit on, obviously) I looked at the blueberry bushes and little shrubs around me that were already starting to turn red for autumn and thought about how this really is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. So why can’t I be happy here?
I know, I know, melodramatic much? Rauland was never meant to be a permanent home (we had actually only intended to spend three months here) so it’s totally fine to be looking forward to our next move. Though there’s still a little voice in my head asking if I really will be happy in the next place, or if I won’t just start dreaming about somewhere new again.
Does anyone else hear her?
Some days (like yesterday) she freaks me out and makes me feel like my future is doomed. But other days (like today) I remember to appreciate her, because even if she doesn’t mean to, she assures me that it’s okay to settle down somewhere, because it doesn’t mean I’ll forget about the rest of the world and all the things I have yet to learn from it.
Because dreaming is a good thing, right? Right?
Megan says
i think i feel and can relate to this post more than any post you have ever written on this blog. i went through exactly the same thing with norway (or here in germany, as well- the only difference is that i dont like living in germany and i enjoyed my life in norway). one thing i love with such passion is routine and a home base but one thing i also hate is routine and a home base. norway was great at first and i loved exploring it, but within a few months i became complacent, was fluent in the language, and realized that despite language and landscape, norway was more or less pretty homogenous. and i yearned for something different and unpredictable. i traveled a lot whilst living in norway and that is how i found balance. the kroner went far other places (not as far now, but at the time it was incredible) and i could leave for a few weeks at a time and come back to a home base and routine. i had a couple of years where things were pretty great. at some point i had other priorities and norway became less the place for me and i moved away. but i would have been okay staying- i just needed a change of some sort and at the time, i thought the change was to uproot my life and try things somewhere else.
just because you have mixed feelings about being settled doesnt mean it is norway. it just means we are this odd breed of people who need to fulfill our wanderlust and seeing something different than our usual routine. keep your head up and im alway here to chat with you if you ever need anything <3
Silvia says
Yes, that’s exactly how I feel! I love having a home and routine, but clearly part of me hates it too. And I think I have a tendency to blame it on the place I am, even though it’s actually much more about me than any particular place. I also think that moving anywhere new is hard and continues to sometimes be hard for quite a while, so it can be easy to just want to run away again. At any rate, it’s so comforting to hear that I’m not the only one feeling like this, and that you think Norway could still be right for me (I think it probably is).
Megan says
Ugh, I really understand how you’re feeling! I’m currently travelling through the Balkans with my husband, and we already love it so much that I can imagine constantly wanting to come back here for the rest of my life (although we want to go to Ireland, and SE Asia, and everywhere else next!)
For some reason, I feel like we have to do and see everything we want to see in the world RIGHT NOW, and then I have to remind myself just to appreciate where we are and what we are doing in the moment. Thanks for this post, definitely needed the reminder! Love your blog!
Silvia says
Aaah I’m so glad you love the Balkans too! But that love will haunt you haha. It is hard to settle down when there are just SO many places to see – sounds like you guys are having a blast though.
Our Wanders says
Love your honest and ironic voice! 🙂 And we can totally understand you as we also have these random feelings and dreams from time to time. The grass is always greener… 😀 it seems to be at least. We have a lot of choices and it’s really hard to decide and don’t look back and think of all the what if… Sometimes it seems it would be easier without those choices. Everything would be simple and we would learn to appreciate what we had – we wouldn’t have any other choice. But then… what’s the point? Dreaming and choices are good things. But good doesn’t mean easy. 🙂
Silvia says
Right? Sometimes I totally wish I didn’t have all these choices, but then I realize how ungrateful that sounds and that I’m incredibly lucky to have all these choices in life.
Cate says
This is such an interesting post, and really made me think. But you have your whole life ahead of you to do whatever you like with whoever, and you’ve already done amazing things. I say do what your hart tells you how, no matter what people think
Silvia says
Ah that’s so true! It’s funny how so often I feel like I have to make every decision and figure everything out NOW.
Kelly says
I’m sure there are so many people who can relate to this sentiment, and I’m definitely one of them. There are literally SO many directions you can take in life…different options in terms of relationships, lifestyles, jobs – i.e. reallyyyy big life decisions that aren’t simple or easy to make! What helps me is knowing that what *feels* like a huge decision now (like choosing what city to settle down in) is actually probably not as permanent as it feels. Like, it may feel pretty permanent for the next year or even five years, but after that who knows? You can always make a change.
Silvia says
That’s so true, I definitely seem to convince myself that my decisions have to be made now and will last forever, but really, I’m probably going to keep changing things around as I grow. It’s nice knowing I’m not the only one feeling this though!
Aileen says
I totally get it! I’m worried that our impending move back to Bangkok will be just one more “seriously this time I will be happy here” like coming to New York was. But I think in addition to place, it’s important to find something that you love to do – or else you’re just living in a postcard which gets boring. So maybe opening a hostel, wherever it is, is the next challenge you two need! What I’ve learned coming back here is that you don’t have to make sense of things in a way that you can explain to anyone else, and it doesn’t have to be the same conclusion anyone else would make. So what Norway is super beautiful if you aren’t fulfilled and challenged there? There’s a difference in wanderlust for vacations – which is inevitable after traveling so much – and wanderlust to move somewhere else, which I feel like is more about wanting a new challenge or new job/purpose/whatever – in other words, a manifestation of not being satisfied where you are. Maybe go on vacation and see if that helps or you don’t really want to go back?
That said, I vote for you two opening a hostel somewhere – but also I super vote for that place to be Southeast Asia!
Silvia says
Yeah, I think that’s definitely true. I think when I start thinking about a new move somewhere I’m definitely yearning for a new adventure, which doesn’t necessarily have to be somewhere new – it just always has been somewhere new in the past so I think part of me automatically thinks it’s time for a move. My ideal would actually be to open a hostel in Norway, but that also just seems really, really hard, haha. I hope that this move is good for you guys (I think it will be!) and part of me does just want to join you there, haha. Buuuut Norwegian does have super cheap flights to Thailand for holidays there!
Van @ Snow in Tromso says
You’re not alone with this! I do the same – one day dreaming about moving to Southern Norway, the other day dreaming about moving to Denmark, Greenland – you name it! So confusing and complicated for the boyfriend who, if he hadn’t met me, would have been fine to live in Tromso for the rest of his life. Well that’s not gonna happen with me 😀
The bad thing is, I’m not only doing this with moving places. I have the same thoughts about my career. No wonder I took 3 degrees in different fields. I just can’t decide what I want to do and get bored by one thing and move on to the next so often! Like right now, I’d love to quit my full time job (that I only did for a month now) and start looking for something else but I just can’t afford it.
Life is difficult. Guess that’s the only moral of this tale…
Silvia says
Oh that’s so true! I totally do the same thing with my career – which I think is why I’ve sort of just settled on not having a real career, haha. I hadn’t really thought about it as being the same thing as my wanderlust but you’re right, it is. It sucks that life is hard like this, buuuut I’m also really comforted to read that it’s not just me feeling this way. And I think it’s really cool that we can follow each other’s sort of similar yet also really different lives in Norway through our blogs. Is that weird? haha
Barbara Purington says
Stay in Norway. The country rates highest for happiness and quality of life.
The Balkans–NOT! I have felt like you do. Lived in San Diego for 6 months, thirty years ago and every year when I visit, I regret leaving. I was just starting to settle in, things were improving. So why did I leave? I wasn’t meeting people like me, socially conscious, educated. Needed to move near the university community perhaps. I was living at the beach with surfers and party goers, but I adore the beach, which is why I moved there. I tell myself if I hadn’t left I wouldn’t have met my husband and had my wonderful kid.
Silvia says
I do think I will stay in Norway, but it’s nice to have a bit of a practical reminder as to why it’s a good choice too! Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live here and how safe (in a good way) life in Norway feels – like I’ll be taken care of here.
Chris says
I feel the same. I am loving it right now living and working here in China but I feel it’s maybe not what I want to do forever and there’s loads of other places I want to go…
You are not alone!
Silvia says
It’s crazy how comforting that is to know, but it really is!
Renates Reiser says
Oh, I sooooo know what you mean! I seriously could never truly settle in one place, because I ALWAYS long for that other place, you know, that palce where I’m not at right now. Why can’t we have it all? A hut in Norway, a bungalow on some tropical beach, a small farm house in the fields, a tree house in some jungle… the list goes on, and on and on. I guess that’s what happens when you start feeling like the citizen of the world, instead of just of one country or just one place…
Silvia says
I love hearing that I’m not the only one feeling like this! I think we are really lucky to be in Norway, but also so many other places are calling!
Emily says
Yes friend I know this feeling all too well. We romanticize what we don’t have yet, or what we had before. The entire time we lived in another state I wanted to come home, and now that we’re back in our home state I miss the other one so badly. I want to divide myself up into multiple little pieces and live all sorts of different lives. It’s tough to feel content anywhere once you’ve taken that first step.
Silvia says
Right? Aaah it’s the worst. I need to get better and living in the present and appreciating what I have.
Alisa says
I loved this post! I ask myself that all the time when I feel like giving up on the place I live now, would I be happy in the next place or would I then start wanderlusting after somewhere new?
For the moment, I’m trying to make myself be content with what I have and actually pursue all the avenues towards happiness HERE, like making new friends, discovering new nearby destinations, etc. before I make a decision about moving or not. But maybe this is a feeling those of us who have given our hearts to many destinations will always struggle with, and we have to decide whether leaving would be worth what it would cost (not literally, although that too)!
Silvia says
It is such a tough choice. I guess ultimately giving our hearts to many places is a good thing, but sometimes I wish I could just be happy in one place forever, aaah.
Richelle says
I feel the same way. I want to go everywhere and see everything, but I know I’m also kind of expat-y at heart. I want to have a cute apartment with a nice kitchen and a cat, but I want go travel everywhere! I think my best bet is to get a roommate with a cat and then travel for part of the year, subletting my place, and come back to Beijing or wherever when the weather is nice… I think?
Silvia says
Haha I was totally just telling a friend that I need to have a neighbor our roommate with a dog because I travel too much to get one myself. I think your plan sounds pretty ideal!
Colin @ rebelwithaplan says
This is one of the most relatable posts you’ve written! When I first moved to Thailand from Texas, I had every intention to just stay for my six month contract, then go back home. But about a month after I got to here, everything changed. I noticed first-hand how travel can be addictive. I want to see more, cover more, explore more….but then I also want to put roots in one place and finally be able to pick out furniture and stuff and not worrying about pairing down my belongings constantly.
Would love to see a follow up to this post in the future!
Silvia says
It’s crazy reading the comments on this post because when I wrote it I felt like I was just rambling on about feelings and everyone would think it was strange, haha. It’s so hard to balance that desire for a cozy home somewhere with the longing to keep traveling – I hope we figure it out. And I should definitely do a follow up post in a year or so and see where I’m at! Though I’ll probably be in the same struggle, haha.
Erika says
Ah, I relate to this so much right now — like in this very moment!
I think that for some of us, there will always be that “grass is always greener” feeling, even when we’re happy. It’s just hard to know when to act on it.
Where I am at now, it’s not exciting or even aesthetically pretty, but I’ve come to realize there are things I like about it that you can only really get from being here a while. Things I definitely take for granted. And I am pretty happy and content… But then, I see another place that’s full of possibilities, something exciting and new, and I think, “Am I supposed to be there?” And I don’t know why I feel like I would rather live somewhere else and move rather than just visit… These are maybe good “problems” to have, but it still can sort of interfere with your enjoyment of a place or situation, right? Gahhhhhhhh!
Silvia says
I do think I’m weirdly caught up in wanting to find the perfect place and the truth is, that doesn’t really exist. I’m so with you though, I hate that thinking about other places interferes with my enjoyment of where I am!
Danny says
I think this is the sort of issue any traveler at heart will face. We’re always torn between having our life fit into a suitcase so we can make a dash for the next great place and, on the other hand, settling down and having a more consistent lifestyle. I often daydream about picking up everything and moving to someplace new again. But then I wonder if it’s just a fantasy I have, or if I’d really be happy.
Mary B says
Some days I hate that voice in my head – the “will I ever be happy here, or anywhere?” I left Portland after 5 years, and although I left for good reasons (to be closer to family, and because there weren’t a lot of job opportunities) – I’m still questioning whether it was the right decision to pick up and move after having invested so much time in creating a community there. I’ve been in DC less than a year and I know I need to give it more of a chance before I decide if it’s for me or not, but some days the urge to move again is strong. I know Portland will always be there if I want to go back some day. Or New Orleans or Tbilisi or Lisbon or Accra or, or, or … It’s the lure of that “ghost life”, the “what if I’d done something different”. To be fair, I don’t believe in The One as a romantic concept, so I guess I don’t need to believe in it as far as places to live go either – you find the place you need at the moment you are at in your life. Some places you stay longer than others, but you get as much joy and learn as much from each one as you can before it’s time to move on. Right?
Silvia says
That’s really interesting – I don’t believe in The One in a romantic sense, but I think in a way I am expecting it to exist in a place – which is totally ridiculous! I like the idea that places can suit you at different times.
Kaleena's Kaleidoscope says
Gah, I can so relate! I answered all the calls of wanderlust and lived in Korea for 2 years, then I went traveling around the world and lived in Thailand, New Zealand, and Greece in between visiting a zillion other places. I kept thinking, “I could live here forever!” but then somewhere else would call my name and I’d be off. And now I’ve returned home to California to the place I originally left and I’m actually so excited to be here! Something about it feels right.Maybe it’s still the honeymoon stage of being back, but my gut tells me it’s a good thing. But there is always this part of me that wishes to be traveling or living in another new place and it’s hard to keep that at bay. Maybe that’s the curse of having a traveler’s blood, we’ll always yearn for somewhere else, but when you find the right place you’ll know it deep down. There’s nothing wrong with you guys wanting to try something new, though! Go for it and don’t have any regrets!
Silvia says
Aah I hope I get that gut feeling soon! I really love the idea of you traveling the world and then returning home to California – there’s something so romantic about it!
Paula says
Once a traveler, always a traveler! I think once we start becoming explorers, we don’t want to stop. There are always the “what ifs” and questions about what we really want (I think us girls are all like that), but the best part is you have the freedom to change! You could move if you really wanted, and you could always come back. I finally took the leap and moved to France after dreaming of it for 5 years so I now feel if I can do it, anyone can. Obviously you know you can do it, but the thoughts your having never stopped in me so I think its also about the right timing. Dreams are what make life worth living so never stop!
Silvia says
I do think I sometimes forget that life continues to change and no decision has to be a final one! It sounds like you at least have found the perfect path already.
Ashley says
I feel you, girl! I always feel completely overwhelmed with choice when it comes to travel! I’m flighty and impulsive at the best of times, coupled with the fact that I have dozens of countries I want to visit and/or move to on my mind at any given time – which makes for a constant struggle to be happy in the present. Even though I’m living in Edinburgh and I’m more content than I’ve been in a loooong time, my wanderlust hasn’t subsided.
Silvia says
Haha yup, I’m super impulsive too. Sounds like we’re in the same boat!
Noa says
I am exploring you entire blog with tears in my eyes, knowing that I never, ever, can work my entire life at an office. And that is exactly what I am doing right now. Need to make some chances, fast.
Thank you for your amazing blog, it opened up my eyes (:
Silvia says
Ah that means so much to me! I hope that you figure out what your path is (and that I figure mine out as well!).
April Yap says
Wooh! I can relate a lot having a travel is addictive yes its a tiring activity but you can gain a lot of experiences and you can learn different things.
Uma says
I love this blog and your honesty and wit! I think it is fine to keep moving, exploring, seeing – maybe the story of your life is to have friends all over the world with communities you can return to. Wanderlust is okay! There is a tribe of people whom are nomads (that’s why it so nice to meet them while traveling or in expat communities). This why the foreign service always was attractive to me, to live in a different place every 2 years sounds wonderful. Keep traveling and exploring!
Silvia says
Aah that’s so lovely to hear! I also love meeting other nomadic souls while traveling – there’s such a great community of us out there.
Melissa says
Absolutely no need to apologise for the types of blogs you write, at least not to me anyway.
I love them!